Mama Who?

I was chatting to Alice about the struggle between being a mum and maintaining your sense of self. She is trying to write a novel and care for Etta and while I’m not trying anything quite so amazing or ambitious I can really understand the feeling of motherhood taking over who you are.

This is by no means something that only Alice and I feel. Rachel Power has written a book about the pull between being a mother and being a creative and there are numerous articles about women feeling they lose their own sense of who they were before they gave birth.

It took 7 months for my identity crisis to surface and it distracted me constantly for a few weeks. Since I breastfeed Frankie and she doesn’t take a bottle I have not been away from my little bundle for more than an hour or so since she was conceived. I have lately been wondering what I used to do in my spare time. I used to have a lot of it and unfortunately none of my old pastimes stand up to much post baby scrutiny. I watched a lot of TV. I read. Knitted. Cooked. Drank. But I wasn’t penning a bestseller or running marathons. It all adds up to a bit of not much when compared to my current job.

Our social life is looking very different now too. Long dinners out have turned into lunches... for now, until babies are old enough to be looked after and until breastfeeding stops restricting drinking to a glass or two. I also have to be ok with the fact that I may get to eat only half of my ordered dish if it is deemed tasty by my mini-me (beef carpaccio for example). 

Some other things that have changed a little include :

Showers have become a one women naked variety show of children’s songs for an often bemused audience. 

Toilet trips are spent protecting the toilet roll from an inevitable unraveling once it has been discovered as part of the most complete investigation the bathroom has ever had (though lately I have discovered that our shower curtain is apparently mesmerizing!)

Movies at home are a complete indulgence, if you dare, knowing full well that the crucial moment will be spoilt by the cries of your waking child.

Movies at the movies? What? They still do that?

Books are something to be dipped in and out of rather than consumed in one sitting.

Knitting and crochet are abandoned mid row if not mid stitch to attend to a child - who will then discover the discarded kitting and undo the knitting and the ball of wool.

Cooking is a complete circus rather than the relaxing pastime it once was. I have become a huge fan of chuck-it-in-a-baking-dish-and-in-the-oven dishes. More complex meals are often made after the baby has gone to bed despite my ‘eat as a family’ philosophy.

I don’t think we need to mention the sleep thing again and that there isn’t much of it - I miss it so much.

Any clothes requiring special washing attention are simply not washed. 

Any clothes that are not comfortable to sit crossed legged on the floor are left hanging in a closet that is fast becoming filled with jersey. My favorite high necked dresses without easy boob access have been left unworn for well over a year.

And these are just the tip of the iceberg. What about sex, exercise (maybe the same thing), actual meaningful discussions with people where they have your entire attention, popular music (Justine Clark doesn’t count), spontaneous drinks, spontaneous anything, concerts, work, and after work drinks, trying to drink a cup of tea without wearing some of it (yep, that was today), space to actually think.

The last one, I’m struggling with. The husband is helping. He is letting me go to yoga where I get to nourish myself a little with some space to sit back, take stock, meditate a bit and just be. 

I love the video below. It is Kemi Nekvapil talking about the importance of taking time to keep your cup full so you can give to the people in your life with generosity.